I'm disappointed and I'm not sure which reason is to blame... I know I told you it was fine and sometimes things just don't workout, but truthfully I'm disappointed... It's my own fault. No one to blame but myself... I wanted to be there. I guess I just wish you wanted me to be there too...

Where to begin... It's Uncle Brian's first birthday since his death. Needless to say around 4 pm, my Dad and Aunt Mary took my Grandma to ER because she was experiencing chest pains and some other symptoms. When my Dad got home, Mom and I were outside planting a tree. He walked out with a beer in his house. Then he proceeded to take a shot of Bushmills. He continued to drink and then with dinner he had wine. During dinner he had the hiccups, the same way Mom gets when she's had too much to drink. During dinner I shut down. I HATE being in the same room when anyone of my parents has been drinking and usually I leave the situation, but this time I sat there. This time things got worse. My Mom opened a bag with utensils in it that my Grandma brought over. My Dad flipped out and started saying, "Why don't we throw it away?! We throw everything away that my Mom brings over." The argument continued with my Mom, Dad, Kevin and myself. I finally looked at my Dad and said, "Stop. Look at me. I will be the pizza on Kevin's plate and all the money in the world that that silverware is NOT what is actually making you this upset. What is really wrong? What has you so upset that you are yelling and swearing?" That comment went right over my Dad's head. He just continued with lets throw it away. We throw everything else away. I then said, "Dad is us throwing things away make you feel like we're throwing you away? Like you aren't worth it? Because for the record that is clearly NOT the case." He still didn't get it... It's blatantly obvious that my Dad needs to go back to therapy. There is soooo much more to all of this then the little bit I've just said. Between my Uncle's birthday, Grandma moving on Monday and then at the end of May it will be One year since Uncle Brian's death, it is going to be a rough few weeks and I'm afraid this is only the tip of the iceberg.

On a side note, my brother came downstairs and says, "Can we have a family meeting about the bitch?" (AKA our sister)... Kevin pinned it on the head. She is lazy and can just run around acting bitchy. She just acts better than everyone else and it is taken as bitchyness.

Today was kind of a rough workout day... I bought a 1 month membership at SNAP fitness (it was cheap and a new facility opened less than a mile from my parents house). With the 1 month, you get a free fitness assessment. Well needless to say I found out that my fitness score was 14 which is "Fair" which for the record is above poor, but below average, below good and below excellent! The fit score was measured on a few criteria Body Composition (BMI), Cardiovascular, Strength, Flexibility and Endurance.

I was "excellent" at the cardiovascular cause I could easily walk on the treadmill at 4.0 mph consistently for 5 minutes. Well, DUH I play hockey and I am active!

My BMI BLEW, but I also wonder if the lady wrote down the wrong number because she turned the machine off before she wrote it down... I might be trying this at work tomorrow just to check

I know a weakness is my upper body strength, I don't have much. So, I could only bench about 35 pounds, which is fair compared to the percentage that is of my body weight.

Then she had me do as many situps in a minute as I could. I can't even tell you the last time I did a FULL situp! I can rock crunches though! That number was fair too...

Then there was the flexibility test. Now I consider myself pretty flexible. I can touch my hands flat to the floor with my feet together and probably my nose to my knees if I really tried. Oh no, their flexibility test said I was fair... The trainer said I was "close to average, but not quite"

Afterwards, I attempted to run, but my head and my heart weren't in it. I won't lie, it's bad enough seeing numbers on the scale you don't like, but then hearing a trainer tell you that a test literally says you are "Fairly Fit" pretty much sucks! I know I need to work on things and I am taking steps in the right direction (I've been running 3x a week and just started an online diet/exercise program thing) but it still just sort of sucked to see it all add up to nothing. I'm trying to change my outlook and see it as a starting point to set goals and be able to see where I started and head in the direction I want to see myself... That's A LOT easier said then done though.

When people ask me what I want to do when I grow up, I just want to say... "I want to coach girls/womens hockey"... How do you make a living at that? The truth is, I don't care. I know it's weird and I sometimes get stressed out thinking about it, but I would be okay working part-time jobs and coaching at night and on the weekends. One of my players is out East this week on Spring Break looking at colleges. She wants to play college hockey! I contacted a few of the schools she is looking at and one of the coaches actually responded and said he was excited to meet Katie and see her play at some of the camps she will be attending this summer!!!

The thought of one of my players going to play college hockey gives me goosebumps! Good goosebumps, but still... How crazy is that??? I told her that I hope she makes a team and plays so I can A) roadtrip to watch her play and B) I can totallllyyyy say I coached her back in the day! Here's to hoping Katie goes far! She is an amazing hockey player and I hope she kicks ass wherever she goes and in everything she does! Ahhhh, still can't get over the idea of one of my players playing NCAA collegiate hockey! :)

I have an amazing best friend and I can't stress enough how thankful I am for that. I have a pretty decent family that loves me. They say Megan is going to be the only one to give to them grandkids, I know they are joking, but it kind of bugs me. I want that someday. I want to get married. I want to have babies. I want to decorate a nursery and an entire house with awesome decor that I've seen on Pintrest (haha)!

I don't know which is more hopeless, my job perspectives or my love life. It's all just sort of comical.

On a VERY random sidenote, I'm thinking of going Internet Free for one month. It amazes me to get on FB and everytime I turn around someone is getting engaged or someone is pregnant or someone is buying a house. Sometimes it makes me sad to see that kind of stuff and other times I just remind myself that somewhere out there is something great and amazing waiting for me and it isn't quite ready for me yet.

Daily Ten...

1- I really wish you'd just return my text and give me at least the slightest bit of hope that our friendship isn't destroyed

2- Thank you for being there even if you aren't actually here... There have been sooooo many times the past couple of weeks when I just wanted to meet you for lunch or have you go with me to the hockey party or go see a movie... I miss being able to do that

3- What are you doing the first weekend in April? Wanna go see the Tigers vs Red Sox?? :)

4- I reallyyyyyy hope it's the medicine and not something more like cancer or M.S. or anything more critical than that

5- I'm glad we are able to do lunch once in a while... Jaspare's is always our place and Wherever we feel like (usually Noodles) is our place <3

6- Please remember that I love you and I am here forever! I know you are scared to death for him, but know that we're doing everything we can. He's going to the doctor and we WILL get it figured out!

7- Do NOT ever compare your Mom to her Dad! It probably isn't a completely different situation, but it's Grandpa and he is the MOST important grandparent we have in our lives right now. You know it and so does everyone else!

8- STOP BEING A BITCH... The more you play the games, the less this family will give a shit about you and your damn move!

9- Where are you in all of this? Why don't you seem to give a shit? Even if you aren't worried about your Dad, at least reassure your sister that it's going to be okay and you are there if she needs anything, anything at all!

10- I really hope your relationship drama ends cause I'm not a fan! Plus it just gets old...

Kind of having weird thoughts tonight... I miss my BFF. I miss watching movies. Setting up lunch/dinner dates. It's funny how people claim to be your friend and the minute you stop reaching out the friendship pretty much dies. There are some people I don't talk to on a daily basis, but I know that if I needed anything they'd be there, others I really don't know.

On another note, I am soooo excited about this hockey weekend starting tomorrow, I can't truly contain my excitement. I've been having a really good gut feeling all week, so hopefully it'll be true!

My Aunt Carrie, who I never really got to know. She was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis before I was born and I only really remember her as bedridden. I hear she was amazing. She was a jewelry maker. She made my Dad's wedding ring, among other things as well. My Dad always says my sister reminds him of her.

My Grandpa M. would be the 2nd person... My Dad's dad died when my Dad was 10 years old, I believe. So I never got to meet him and I would have like to have.

My Dad because I'm sure he would LOVE to see his sister and Dad, plus when you get my Dad on a good day, in the right mood he is really fun to have dinner with. He comes up with the strangest conversations, but sometimes the most enlightening as well.

The fourth would probably be my brother, Kevin. Even though he can be a total teenage jackass, when it's just he and I and were talking to going out to eat or whatever I feel like I can tell him anything. He may not always do what I suggest, but he listens. I feel like I'm the only one who can actually communicate with him and not get upset and frustrated with him. I know that's why my Mom tells me stuff because she wants me to tell him to cut it out or whatever, but I'm staying out of it!

I think this would be a veryyyyy interesting dinner party, but a fun one to say the least!

I think the reason I LOVE coaching is because for the first time in my life I've found something that challenges me and respects me!

These girls are amazing and every time we step on the ice I wonder what I can teach them to improve them as players and as human beings.

But these girls have more respect for me than I ever thought imaginable. That was clearly proven from the text messages I received from the team's goalie on Saturday night.

I hope these girls work hard the next couple of weeks and kick some major butt! They have worked very hard and they deserve it! Hopefully we can stay injury free and have some fun!

Diallllyyyy 10

1. Thank you for making the first time we ran into each other incredibly fun and definitely tolerable.
2. I can't wait to hear your reasoning on this one... I was only doing the game night shit to get the assistant A.D. job and now that that isn't happening you can go suck a lemon! Oh and you SUCK as an A.D.
3. I'm tired of always being the one to text or call or write or make any sort of connection with you.
4. Don't be so bratty! Just work hard.
5. I wish you the best, but I also wish you weren't such a prissy meanie face!
6. I really hope we go to Mack City and each of you girls finds the next level to kick Mackinaw City team's tattooed, pierced butts all the way home!
7. Why do you continually bring other teams down? This is your league too, shouldn't you be helping to build it back up? Just a thought...
8. I hope you feel better!
9. I'm proud of you! You've actually stuck with this and it's been 20ish weeks... Good job!
10. I miss you! Can we hangout soon? <3